MuSiC oF mY LiFe

~~Sunday, June 05, 2005~~

long awaited post up now. aft 15 days, nt sure will e waiting make my blog readers lose interest..dun realli care now. Blog to my own freewill. Wanted to blog a couple of times but jus cldn't find time to blog properly. (tis blog gonna get LONG...sorry to blur ur eyes if it does..lolx)

oh well, sch has started for 2 wks. Quite ok so far. Made a fool outta myself for a few times too..ha...bled a mice for e 1st time...beaker of ethanol caught fire...overslpt so many times in jus 2 wks of sch...wadelse?

Oh, n abit laggin for tis detail, i m in NPS comm too..n e 3 of dem r nt in it. noe i shldn't b feelin it but dere's e slightest feelin of disappointed n guiltiness . Disappointed cos i expect at least sum pple i tot shld b in wasnt in. Guilty might b caused by e fact tt i had a role in my other cca, bt i was still offered a role here..its lyk depriving others of chances too..noe there are many other chances for anyone of dem to still get really involved..but feelin's still weird.

2 wks down, its alr 2 wks...and i still cant find my lifestyle rite. Its still...unbalanced. I haven been able to listen to lects and i've done NOTHIN...ZERO...to any work i m supposed to. pple might tink i m jus over-reacting cos its JUST 2 wks, but if i cant even do things promptly from e START, hw can i even feel confident of wad i CAN do as more tinks pile up... sheesh.

REcently, my routine is as such: reaching sch almost late --> fall aslp or drift off in lects --> spent every freetime plannin abt various stuff in cca --> go for ccas --> reach hm late --> do cca stuffs (cos deadlines r near) --> do till wee hrs --> fall aslp wif everytink on --> go sch n cycle repeats. Ok, i m NOT blamin my ccas, n i definitely DUN detest it. In fact, i lyk both. But m i suppose to ask myself the qn whether if my they are taking control of my life now? It SEEMS tt i haf shifted focus and shld my studies be suffering becos of it? i feel DAMN bad..and i mean DAMN bad tt i m not giving my studies the needed attention tt it shld hav bt i jus CANT leave my ccas alone. I get realli realli frustrated when everytink feels upside down.

N when i dun blame tinks for such, it gets worse. Every single family member of mine scold me for wad i m doin. I dun get to see dem often and when i c dem, all i get is scolding and hurtful comments. Mum keeps saying tt i dun care abt the family, throw a whole darn lot of family values to me and say tt i dun seem to even care ANYMORE. Dad says tt i dun keep my promises. said tt i dun keep to my words...which i m tired of elaborating more. And sis said tt guitar n sag has CHANGED me. i hav a whole darn lot to say to dem. i want to tell dem wad is goin on in my sch..my ccas..my life. I wish to tell dem all e interestin tinks tt happened...i wan dem to noe tt they are still as impt to me n tis hasn't changed at all. But i guess action speak louder than words. I CANT spare much time for dem so wad's e use of me saying. Now its jus silence n surface talks..n i hate tt. even some frenz r getting on my nerves, or shld tt be e other way round too? i was scolded tt i m putting too much in ccas, too much in sch tt they feel tt i haf forsaken dem. I mean, wad appears in front of me now is my responsibility, and in order to fulfil tt i hav to sacrifice some tinks... and it wud mean nw tt i hav less time to jus slack wif frenz or family..but tt is not equilvalent to me FORSAKING dem. How do i even start to try n get my pt across...i dun even noe. I m not good at explaining.

i tink...i m gettin selfish in a kinda way, i wish tt they WUD understand my position. But come to tink of it, if i m feelin wad they ARE feelin, and receiving wad THEY get from me, which is constant rejections and disappearance, i wud haf been angry too..so, i did sth today, i planned my day to stay at hm. its nth great i noe, but tt's a start...i stayed hm and did chores...cleaned up e hse, washed clothes, and went out for dinner wif my dad n sis. My mum's still in m'sia and couldn't witness it bt it doesn't matter. I was reluctant to start when i first took e mop but aft i started cleaning e hse, the familiar kind of feelin jus rushed back to me. I realized tt, i truly missed hm. at tt moment, flashes of me clearing up e hm wif my family so v often in e past and pieces of stuff we did together jus reappeared in my mind. It might sound cheesy but tt's hw much i've distant from dem. Suddenly, i was glad tt i made the decision to stay hm today.

many other tinks happened...n it made me tink alot. realized wad sum pple said were so true...even when i refused to admit to it sumtime ago...nw i haf to jus bow to e facts tt r slappin right str at my face. (Maybe U were right, u felt tt u weren't impt enuff in me...i insisted tt its nt true...nw i realized tt wad U felt from ME realli made u feel tis way, if it were me, i tink i wud feel e same way. thx for stoppin from there..if nt i wud haf let u down by nw. Get ur smile from sum1 else more worthy..) Anyway, its jus sad to noe how terrible a person i've been.

Nw, i will try to make sure i will set aside time for my studies (rememberin y i m here), set aside time for my ccas (holdin on to responsiblities, and also for my frenz n family. i noe tt time is in my own grip. noe 1 fact tt r/s is outta e box for da meantime cos i'll nv b able to lift up to anyone's expectations rite now..haha.. wadeva..

tml's sun n mum will b back. Decided to stay hm again. alr planned wad i m gonna do and hope i can change some tinks right slowly bit..by bit...

*duno wad m i feelin...tink its kinda wrong to feel it...tink its kinda wrong to start wif...tink its impossible...tink...tink i shld forget abt e whole darn tink n let it past...let it fade...let it be gone...i m nt up to it...suan le.*

12:45 AM